Whilst the play is in play the ushers hand out these two documents which will have to substitute for a programme. The ushers inform the audience that they have 60 days to comment on the two documents. hlaudi looks at the documents and sees there is writing on them, being neither literate nor compus he discards them.
The scene - a room in a prime office in Meintjies Street Pretoria. A nondescript bearded man in a drab SACP fleece reaches for the telephone. He dials his secretary.
Secretary - Minister Davies?
bolshie bob - who's Minister Davies? My name is bolshie ................ wait a second, my real name is Davies and I am the most destructive minister in Ramaphosa's cabinet. Yes, I am Minister Davies. (Pause). Please get me the BEE Commissioner.
Secretary - I'll see if the awesome awdoz is in her office.
A few seconds later the mighty commissioner comes on the line.
awesome awdoz - good morning bolsh..... I mean minister.
bolshie bob - commissioner I see that we really have set the cat amongst the pigeons with our last amendments. We cannot stop now - these idiots (and that fucking blogger) are reading this drivel we put out.
awesome awdoz - the trick minister, is to put in subtle little things that they will never pick up on. I have a few ideas.
bolshie bob - I'm all ears and within the next thirty years I'll have a great beard like Karl Marx
awesome awdoz - we are in the process of removing the modified flow through from black ownership and that illusive level 2 that those evil Afrikaner accountants from Edenvale have found as a loophole. Well we need to ensure that enterprise and supplier development beneficiaries must be 51% black owned using the modified flow through principle.
bolshie bob - on that point awdoz, sorry commissioner, these white companies that have to implement broad-based black economic empowerment are using the same entities as both enterprise and supplier development beneficiaries. We need to separate the two - one is on the suppliers' database and the other is not.
awesome awdoz - I'll make a note of that minister......... that is your title isn't it? Another thing that's been troubling the black owned companies who turnover more than R50m is this business about splitting procurement into EMEs and QSEs. I think we might have received a few complaints from white companies about this - but they are just being racist. Let's just combine the two into one section - reduce the points from seven down to five and give the extra two points to 51% black owned suppliers.
bolshie bob - up the black owned targets as well. And can we have some clarity on whether black women owned is more than 30% or equal to 30%. Let's just make it a straight 30% - it'll be our concession to these moaning liberals.
awesome awdoz - there needs to be a simplification of procurement. I'm not sure whether the president will be happy with us excluding black owned businesses turning over more than R50m from BEE. These poor struggling megaconglomerates are going to have to implement the scorecard, we have to do a few things to help them................
bolshie bob - (interrupting) get rid of the new supplier requirement and make the 51% black owned multiplier 2 from 1.2, and throw in an incentive for 51% black women owned companies as well. And for Trotsky's sake make sure that we emphasise the flow through principle.
awesome awdoz - what do we do with those 51% black owned megaconglomerates that might not be instantly promoted? They are pissed off that they get nothing out of our system? Could we not make them ED and SD beneficiaries? I know a bloke called Nemo who would like some free money to buy the new Rolls Royce SUV, he is absolutely convinced that this will make his business more sustainable.
bolshie bob - just make sure that these extremely profitable companies actually spend money on ED and SD. Put in that industry average thing that Stats SA is supposed to release every quarter...........
A heckler from the audience shouts "they never fucking do you useless commie wannabe, maybe you should actually do a little research before you shoot your mouth off."
bolshie b0b - do it. And this absorption thing under skills. They're taking the piss. Absorption means a long term contract which is the same thing as permanent employment. Just make the definition of long term contract, working until they retire. These companies are just putting people on learnerships forever - and you know why awdoz? (He doesn't wait to correct himself) It's because they can carry on claiming their salaries for skills development spend. They could be using this money for bursaries. This economy is buoyant and just making the masses poorer - there's plenty of money for this external spend. Stalin knows that we could do with another 100 thousand graduates with a BA in History and Law, easiest people in the world to employ.
awesome awdoz (giggling) - minister bob, you know I said we should put in something subtle that they wouldn't pick up on. Well I think we should leave the net value formula definition in the definitions as it is.
bolshie bob - yes. The one that refers to the net value formula being found in annexe 100 C?
awesome awdoz - Indeed, 100 C - the annexe that discusses rules for employee share ownership scheme.
bolshie bob - it'll be our little joke then.
The curtain closes with the players unaware that they in fact are the joke.