This is an updated version of an earlier post
Recently (actually 2011 but the sentiment remains and the language is much stronger) my friend Kevin announced that the ANC couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery. This is an appreciation of the anc government's ability to organise a piss-up in a brewery, or organise anything for that matter.
We know that many senior anc members enjoy the finer things in life, like Maybachs, Range Rovers, Glen whiskies, Hansa Pilsener and nice watches, the value of which could feed a small family for a lifetime. It therefore stands to reason that the taxpayer's money is plentiful - hence wastage is really not a concern. This piss-up would have to cost in the millions. Under these circumstances the organisation of such a piss-up would need to go to tender. We can safely assume that Eskom (Eskom can barely organise us power so they would be perfectly suited to manage this process) would be the company putting this little event out to tender. Unsurprisingly the tender is likely to be awarded to some gupta front via McKinsey who outsource Trillian, who know fuck-all about piss-ups but know an incredible amount about being paid for knowing fuck-all. Trillian takes their 50% and finds some anc crony to outsource another firm to source service providers for this event (who will never be paid).
Now the fun really starts
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The members of the very fractured anc start fighting with each other about the guest-list, the venue, the date, the fact that the workers (who haven't been invited) weren't consulted. Court action is threatened.
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The youth league has a practice run at a prominent nightclub, drop their trousers and threaten to boycott the event because the beverage of choice doesn't include Oros, which is a great mixer for cane. They also object to the fact that more of the president's wives have been invited than youth league members.
- The women's league insists that zuma is entitled to take another 50 wives before the event and that the weddings should be paid for by SAA.
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A court case ensues. It's not clear who is suing who but an appeal is successfully applied for. Four years are lost
Five years later piss-up organisation is revitalised, however there are few mishaps
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The road to the venue is littered with patches of what once was road and potholes are now the norm. The patches of road compromise the hard suspension on the Maybachs and Range Rovers and other publicly funded personal modes of transport. Helicopters are not considered as there are no more helicopter pilots left in South Africa as they all work in Autstralia.
- The guptas stage a strike from Dubai because there is no military airport nearby to land their entourage. SAA offers to build an airport but realise they have dudu in charge and have no money. A press conference is called in the name of transformation.
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The licence to sell liquor at the venue has been irregularly awarded to dududoos, one of zuma's 800 children. He sees fit (because he is such a likable guy) to charge the taxpayer a premium for the privilege of using his liquor licence. Nothing like stealing from your own.
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The brewery itself (which once was profitable) has been sold to the saxonwold consortium which is made up of recent mining charter beneficiaries. This has resulted in the brewing accouterments being shipped off to Dubai for saltwater purification purposes.
This story then gets out to the press who report on the corruption that occurred within the tender process and so the piss-up in the brewery is cancelled. sahara computers tells ann7 that they have successfully installed all the desktop computers at the venue. Computers weren't spec'ed in the tender document but that's mere detail. ann7 gets its experts on TV who blame white monopoly capital for not tarring the road to the brewery and hence have forced the piss-up to be cancelled.
In short – it is highly unlikely that the ANC government is capable of organising a piss-up in a brewery.
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