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The scene – a room in a prime office in Meintjies Street Pretoria. A nondescript bearded man in a Mandela shirt is reading the news online whilst he fondles his made-to-scale replica of Marx’s gravestone.
Man (muttering) – who the hell is Alan Hirsch anyway? What does he mean the president needs to bear in mind that “more certainty is needed about policies on mining, land and black economic empowerment to encourage new investment.” There’s plenty of certainty, we have conducted empirical research – there is absolute certainty that the white monopolistic capital will fall and the economy will be nationali…………
The phone rings
Man – Davies.
Secretary – Minister, I have Twusi Vala on the line for you.
Twusi – hello is that bolshie bob, I mean minister davies?
Bolshie bob, emphasising the uppercase – it’s Minister Davies to you Mr Vala (under his breath – if I ever get my hands on that blogger who gave me that name, I’ll……..)
Twusi – listen minister I have a problem. I own 100% of my business. I was born in Hammanskraal and I employ skilled white people and foreigners and I can’t get a BEE certificate because my turnover is over R50m. My clients don’t want to know me. I’m non-compliant.
Bolshie bob – you know that you could implement all the other elements in the scorecard and get a good score – your ownership and management etc look good.
Twusi – listen minister, I didn’t join the struggle to be poor. Those elements are just too hard to implement. They cost too much money and take much time. Anyway how I am supposed to train black people if I only employ whites and foreigners?
Bolshie bob – our intention was always to favour you but only up to a poi……………………
Twusi – I don’t care. This is not fair – fix it otherwise I will raise this at the highest levels of government, I mean the ANC
The man returns to the article he was reading.
Bolshie bob – doesn’t this Alan Hirsch know that the Chinese are breaking down the doors to invest here – what policy uncertainty is this?
The phone rings again
Bolshie bob – Davies.
Secretary – Minister, I have Rivian Veddy on the line from Durban.
Bolshie bob – Rivian, so good to speak to you again
Veddy – cut out the small talk comrade minister. I didn’t join the struggle to be poor. I’ve been subsidising the rural house of zoomer for years. All I want in exchange is all the lucrative contracts in KZN. This fucking Nene is now putting the brakes on my supply chain connections. I need a BEE certificate. I turnover close to a billion (that SARS knows about). How the hell am I going to get that level 1 that I faked, I mean declared up until now. Now it’s about checking financials and shit like that. Have you seen how your revised codes have marginalised Indians? I have a family to support and they are worth shit on your new scorecard. The monarch from the rural house of zoomer is now demanding more cash and I can’t get this out of the state contracts that I am entitled to. Get me a certificate now or I’ll take it up with the highest echelons in government, I mean the ANC.
Phone goes dead. Davies starts looking through his red rolodex. The phone rings again
Secretary – Minister, I have Tendai Preneur on the line for you.
Bolshie bob – Mr Preneur, we’ve not spoken since Malusi naturalised you.
Tendai – naturalised at great expense minister. There isn’t a single verification agency that will recognise me as black now – in the past it was an affidavit. Now I go for a verification and they tell me I’m white. White!! Me!! – the closest thing I ever came to white was when I took that farm in Mazoe. Now that bob, is he a relation of yours – what with you having the same first name, has been booted out of government in Zim I need to make my fortune here. This is unacceptable. Malusi does not come cheap and I’m still white!!!
Rattled the bearded man scrolls through his rolodex and calls his secretary.
Bolshie bob – please get the awesome awdoz on the phone.
Secretary – I think you mean the Acting BEE Commissioner, Minister
Boshie bob – that blogger again! if I ever get my red claws on him. Yes her – I wish to meet the Acting BEE Commissioner urgently.
Five minutes later a knock is heard on the door.
Bolshie bob – come in.
Awesome awdoz – Minister, you called for me.
Bolshie bob – yes Commissioner. We have a problem here. I have just taken three phone calls in five minute, black business is revolting because they can no longer comply with the BEE codes because they are too hard or too complicated……..
Awesome awdoz – or it just takes too long to get a BEE certificate?
Bolshie bob – Exactly. When we put these revised codes in place we designed them to make it almost impossible for white companies to comply so that we could give black business a hand up. I never expected that these black businesses would get so much business and then turn over more than R50m. That wasn’t the plan, they aren’t supposed to be emulating these white monopolistic capitalists.
Awesome awdoz – these white businesses are devious. Do you know that they have found a way to get around the 51% ownership rule using the modified flow through principle. Try as I might to discourage this behaviour they have carried on regardless.
Bolshie bob – have you seen that some of these companies are doing better under the new codes than they did under the old codes. This is an untenable situation – we need to punish them more. Do you have any ideas
Awesome awdoz – we must get rid of the modified flow through principle resulting in instant promotion to a level 2 immediately. But we can't leave it at that.
Bolshie bob – what else did you have in mind?
Awesome awdoz – let’s just promote large black businesses that turnover more than R50m to a level 2 or 1 so that you can appease your constituents.
Bolshie bob – awesome idea awdoz, I mean Commissioner (if I get my hands on that blogger). But let’s not make it too easy for the white monopoly capitalists to get to that 51% black ownership level through some nefarious scheme.
Awesome awdoz – we could remove the modified flow through principle and insist that large companies undergo an ownership verification. There’ll be no modified flow through principle then.
Boshie bob – exactly. But why should we stop there? I see the president has launched the Youth Employment Service. Let’s bring that into the scorecard. Hell, whilst we are at it I think we should also get white business to fund tertiary education. We need to make it a little costly so that they rapidly become financially unviable. Do you see it Commissioner – we’ll crush white businesses with paperwork and expense.
Awesome awdoz (pondering) – I’ve got an idea. How about we split up the skills development spend into two sections. Half to be spent on black staff and the rest on bursaries.
Bolshie bob – awesome plan aw… I mean Commissioner. Maybe we should sweeten the deal a little. Not split it halfway – perhaps 3.5% on black people and 2.5% on bursaries. Do you see the brilliance in your plan?
Bolshie bob does not wait for an answer
Bolshie bob – the 3.5% of payroll figure can be made up of internal spend and salaries. The bursaries are a raw cost – straight off the bottom line. I’ve heard that this will cost Standard Bank about R400m a year. They’ll have to raise their bank charges to make up this shortfall. We’ll create a black bank that doesn’t need to worry about these expenses that will undercut the large institutions. We will be rid of white monopoly capital in a short time.
Awesome awdoz – splendid idea, those concepts had been bobbing in my mind for a while. You’ve banged the nail on the head there Minister. But what about the Youth Employment Service.
Bolshie bob – yes, the YES. Hmmm – those white monopoly capitalists have been very reluctant to hire the black youth, that’s why our universities are full of disgruntled students. Can we not tie the YES into this in some way?
Awesome awdoz – how about this for an idea? We incentivise the white monopoly capitalists to embrace certain YES targets and they might be promoted a level. They’ll never get to the levels that black businesses are automatically promoted to anyway – I say let’s leave them to employ the youth and black business can continue doing business.
Bolshie bob – I like that idea. But we can’t make it that easy. We need to put in a few punitive caveats………….
Awesome awdoz (jumping off the couch) – they can only be promoted if they get all the points for the bursaries!!!!
Bolshie bob – by Stalin, you’ve got it. And the promotion to an extra level will be very attractive to 51% black-owned businesses too should they ever want to get to a level one. We'll be seen as very fair and reasonable.
Awesome awdoz – thank you minister I’ll get onto drawing up the amendments to the BEE codes. I suppose under Cyril’s government we’ll have to send them out for comment.
Bolshie bob – I suspect that we’ll have to read and consider the comments too. Sometimes I miss the last president. Now if I could just get my hands on that blogger – I’d send him off to Siberia for a winter holiday……
The curtains come down to no applause – the play started four hours late and the audience had long gone home before the performance started.