Coffee is an important part of my life, I've nurtured this addiction for years and I am buggered if I'm going to do anything to compromise it. On Thursday mornings I meet my friend Kevin (not Lester) for an urn of coffee and a chat. Inevitably our conversations turn to the government of the day. Kevin is not anti-ANC, he's just disillusioned with all the parties. I once introduced my other friend Siphiwe (name changed to protect the indoctrinated) who is a senior player in the ANC. Seep told us that all whites are racist and they think that they can do better. He was disappointed to learn that it wasn't that we thought we could do better, we thought that the ANC could do better.
I digress. Something was mentioned which prompted Kevin to announce that the ANC couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery. It's not really fair to have a go at the ANC as an organisation because I don't know much about them and they don't represent me. However I have strong opinions on how the ANC government goes about things and so this is an appreciation of the ANC government's ability to organise a piss-up in a brewery.
We know that the various ANC members enjoy the finer things in life, like Maybachs, Range Rovers, Glen whiskies, Hansa Pilsener and nice watches, the value of which could feed a small family for a lifetime. It therefore stands to reason that the taxpayer's money is plentiful resulting in money not being a concern. This piss-up would have to cost in the millions. Under these circumstances the organisation of such a piss-up would need to go to tender (we can safefly assume that Bheki Cele would not be involved in this litttle event), with the straight down the line communications department managing the process. Surprisingly the tender is likely to be awarded to some mate of some minister who has no skill in organising piss-ups of this scale but knows a lot about the taxi industry. Mr Taximan goes ahead and starts arranging the piss-up which includes the guest list, the venue, the beverage served, the date and the marquee.
Now the fun really starts
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The members of the tripartite alliance start fighting with each other about the guest-list, the venue, the date, the fact that the workers (who haven't been invited) weren't consulted.
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The ANCYL has a practice run at a prominent nightclub, drop their trousers and threaten to remove the president of the ANC because more of his wives were invited than youth league members.
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A court case ensues (however we the public don't know about this because it's not in the public interest).
Piss-up organisation continues with a few more mishaps
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The road to the venue is full of potholes, compromising the sensitive suspension on the Maybachs and Range Rovers and other publicly funded personal modes of transport (but not helicopters – these can be chartered at SAA's expense at any time)
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The licence to sell liquor at the venue has been hijacked by people from out of South Africa, who have close ties to the Zumas.
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The brewery itself (which once was profitable) has been sold to the Borealis Consortium which is made up of eunuchs who share the same name as many prominent ANC politicians. This has resulted in the brewing accoutrement being sold to support a chronic car and sushi habit.
This story then gets out to the press who report on the corruption that occurred within the tender process and so the piss-up in the brewery is cancelled with MR Taximan being paid the full contract amount for the inconvenience of winning a tender.
In short – it is highly unlikely that the ANC government is capable of organising a piss-up in a brewery.
However
There is hope for the incumbent. The president of the ANC has declared that the ANC will rule until Jesus comes back, perhaps when Jesus does return they could ask him to do a water-to-wine conversion. This piss-up would be at the party to end the ANC’s rule - hell I'd even go to this one.
